surviving one minute at a time

New post. A little blue. Take a look and comment if you feel like it. I appreciate every word you read. Thank you :)

http://bipolardelight.blogspot.com

New post on meds and anxiety. Please check it out. :)

http://bipolardelight.blogspot.com/

I blame no one for my bipolar. Not my parents and their bad genetics, not my unhealthy environment nor my self-destructive habits and addictions. I blame no one. I blame nothing. But it is something I have to live with every day. And this is a hard concept to grasp for people who don’t suffer from this illness. I am not even talking about people in general but, at least, my family. They are less than supportive and I wish I could help them understand what I go through ever single day. I am not whining about it, I just have no one to tell this to. And you, my followers have chose to follow my blog. I don’t expect you to care, but to take a minute to read this and tell me something, anything. I long for your messages and fan mail. I long for any human contact telling me you understand, you know how it hurts to smile when everything hurts. Waking up, getting out of bed, changing my clothes into something presentable, coming to work, read at work, not get paid because the government doesn’t have any money. Yeah, fun stuff. Very motivating. Talk to my fiance on his lunch break. Have lunch without being hungry. Pretend to be busy all afternoon. Go home. Want to die. Talk to my fiance before going to bed. Have a handful of pills. Do again the next day. For what? I just want to die.

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I went to the US embassy and got my visa approved. But in the process I left my phone with someone who then left and is hopefully dropping it off at my work later on today. I had a mini breakdown when I came back to the office. Had to take a cab from the embassy because I couldn’t call anyone to pick me up and know no numbers by heart. Stopped by an atm  because I had no money, paid the taxi driver and then I came to work. My boss was out of his office so I closed the door and cried hard, so hard I could feel the little pieces of my heart breaking. *chewed on a klonopin* Then went outside with ONE match and one cigarette and sat for a bit waiting for my meds to kick in. I talked to my bf on skype and he was kind of out of it. I love the shit out of that guy, he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. Well, that’s how my day’s going. I’m also on a new diet, by choice, because zyprexa is making me gain weight. So I’ve decided to have only one meal per day. Lunch. No breakfast nor dinner. And it’s not vanity nor an ed, it’s just zyprexa’s making me a cow.

Let’s see. I have been having a hard time lately. No surprise there. I almost got hospitalized on Thursday. I was very psychotic and was about to commit suicide. So my doc increased my dosage of zyprexa. I fucking hate zyprexa btw. It’s making me gain weight and before zyprexa I was on topamax and that was making me lose weight. For a recovering bulimic, this was not something I particularly complained about.

Job’s slow today. I’m in constant fear that they’re going to fire me, though. I do my job and I do it well, but they keep on making cuts because the company’s budget was cut in 25% this year. I do my job well, but I think that my position is not too needed. All I need is to work for four more months so I can save up and go on a vacation to be honest. I have my visa appointment next week, I hope I don’t have problems with it. I really need it, to go to L.A. for a couple of months or go to Orlando. Either way, I really hope I can renew it with no problem. 

I want to stop smoking. I went from smoking one or two cigarettes a day to half a pack. No fun. Nicotine addiction’s a bitch. It used to help me with my anxiety but now it doesn’t. It just makes me anxious when I can’t smoke. It’s a dirty habit, I’m having trouble breathing because on top of smoking, I have a lot of mini-panic attacks every day and hyperventilate like a mad person, which has made my bronchi swollen and i don’t want to need another doctor.

I am considering quitting meds again. Even when I know that they sort of keep me from killing myself. I cannot afford them. I don’t currently have insurance, used to but now that I want to again, they say bipolar is a “pre-existing” condition and they cannot cover my expenses for that, which absolutely blows. I’m trying hard to be better. Tying hard to stay healthy for Pete’s sake and the whole phamaceutical thing is being a pain in the ass. 

My bf is coming in two and a half weeks and I am so excited about that, soooooo excited. Even though we’re splitting the money for this trip, I am still investing almost 1500$ and that is stressing me a bit because I haven’t got paid this month. and that represents about 500$… 

well, this is mainly what’s going on right now. I finally slept more than 5 hrs last night and I’m happy about that. I feel better even though I skipped zyprexa last night. I’m starting to pair it with topamax today, hopefully it’ll make my appetite go away again. 

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New meds: valpakine, zyprexa, rivotril

Current mood: I don’t give a shit about anything and if I had access to a bed I could sleep in it for a month.

I went to my psychiatrist on tuesday. I’m on a new combination of meds. I was getting severely depressed with the ones I was on and I had stopped taking the seroquel because it made me too sleepy. We agreed to change them, my dr insists that lithium would be the best choice for me but I’m scared of lithium. Any experiences with it that you’ve had? btw, the weight gain with zyprexa us making me nervous because topamax made me lose a tiny bit of weight so I was happy but this may be like when I took risperdal all over again, I could never get rid of those 35 pounds I put on with that med. Ugh, hate it. Oh well, I’ll keep you posted. I haven’t been doing much. I’m graduating college on the 1st and my bf is coming on the 15th so there’s two reasons to stay alive during june…. 

How do I go back to a place where I was not broken? How do I go back to being carefree and happy and innocent? Was I ever like that? Even as a kid? Was I? Never believed in fucking Santa Claus, never expected my parents to remain together , always expected them to divorce, never wrote love letters to crushes, I skipped my whole childhood to be a broken teen. I still am. But now I am a broken young adult, or an adult. I don’t know. I don’t pay rent or shit, I don’t have kids. I’m talking marriage with my boyfriend, who’s 15 years older than me. I’m kinda scared of losing him though. Because he knows I have bipolar, he’s seen me through panic attacks, he’s seen me take my meds every night, he’s seen me self injuring and stuff. But now we’re in a long distance relationship at the moment but I’m scared. He visiting in a month and my body is covered in bruises and a couple of deep cuts. What if he’s so dissapointed in me he wants to break up? What if he realizes I’m just a little sad broken girl with a lot of potential that’ll never be reached. I’m scared and sad. I cried so hard yesterday. He’s renting a house for the two of us to live in. It broke my heart, that he has more hope in me that I do. How do I go back to believing in an almighty God who can give me hope and love. I haven’t prayed properly in months and I’m terrified of opening a Bible. I’m doing so much shit that’s againt His word right now. I feel ashamed and unworthy. What to do? What to do? Please tell me something? I need you guys right now! I have no one in the world and I want to die right now.

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Holy shit, you guys. I’m on this new med my shrink changed my seroquel for, and I totally feel stoned. And I’m at work. Ugh. 

I really am losing my mind. Or better yet: apparently the lexapro’s working. I have been taking it for a couple of weeks now. and I just went from wanting to die to everything is pink and beautiful and I want it all and this happiness and fulfillment is neverending. I don’t know what scarier: being overwhelmed or underwhelmed…

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Sometimes I still wonder how I’m alive. I know I bring this up a lot. May be that I am morbid and dark and dramatic or may be that this questions wanders in my mind constantly. Bottom line is that I want to find a meaning for my life, I have tried pure insanity, meds, religion, family, work and several things to devote my life to. But none of them seem to fill the void in my. The dark hole that keeps on eating the darkness around it. Today I’m confused. Just plain confused. I won’t even try to explain. 

At least today I want to do things, go places, love people. It is good. I miss my boyfriend today. I am afraid he won’t be able to love me when I get sick. It would suck very much but life is shitty for me in general so I should not be surprised. He has helped me get through this particular crisis. He has given me a reason to live, maybe that was his purpose in my life. But I have a feeling he might be the one. Oh well, time’ll tell. 

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